Do you find that your anxiety is much more manageable when you’re single? That everything’s smooth sailing until you dip your toes into the world of dating and you’re suddenly thrown completely off balance? If so, you’re not alone.
While relationships can bring you to your highest highs, they can also take you to your lowest lows. We know that relationships, particularly romantic ones, can bring a lot of unresolved issues to the surface. They can rub a bunch of salt in old wounds that you weren’t even aware of, or that you thought you’d already healed.
We tend to repeat old relational dynamics from our childhoods in our romantic relationships in adulthood. Where our parents/caregivers were our primary attachment figures when we were young, our partners become those attachment figures as we get older. We begin to rely on our partners to meet our emotional needs, many of which were likely unmet through our upbringing, and express these needs in the same ways we did to our parents growing up.
Relationships are… messy. Both individuals come into relationships with their own histories, preferences, values, and wounds. As much as you might like to and as hard as you try, you can’t control what the other person does, says, or feels. And this is scary.
While this fear isn’t pleasant, it’s also well worth it for the beauty and growth that can come from a deep, committed relationship. Humans are hardwired for connection, so if you can make space for that anxiety and nurture the right connections, you’ll find a life of far more fulfillment and happiness than if you try to walk through it alone.
The good news: there are ways to make dating anxiety a little more manageable.
Here are 5 go-to strategies I recommend to my clients:
1.Make a list of your priorities and dealbreakers
And I don’t mean ‘must have a Masters degree and be over 6 feet’. It’s fine to have your preferences on things like appearance, interests, occupation, and political views, but these aren’t the fundamentals of a healthy, lasting relationship and shouldn’t be the priority when you’re seeking a long-term partner..
Consider the following questions when making your list:
What are my core values, and what values do I hope my partner shares? E.g. I hope they value work-life balance, time with family, adventure
How do I want my partner to treat me? How do I want to feel in their presence? E.g. I want to feel happy when I’m around them and safe and secure in their love. I want consistent communication and someone who follows through on their commitments.
What do I appreciate in my friendships and family relationships that I hope would be reflected in a romantic relationship? E.g. someone who I can be myself around, who makes me laugh and supports me when I’m down.
What have I learned I need in a partner through previous relationships? E.g. someone who communicates their feelings and is able to have hard conversations rather than shutting down or avoiding them.
What am I absolutely not willing to tolerate in my relationship E.g. controlling behaviour, disrespect, lying
What qualities or behaviours are ‘warning signs’ to look out for? E.g. someone who says one thing then does another, someone who deflects all intimate questions with humour
Once you have your list, reflect on it often when you’re dating someone new and as you continue getting to know them. Of course, it’s unrealistic to find someone who meets every one of your criteria, but this is why it’s important to be clear on what you absolutely need in a relationship, what you’re willing to bend on, and what you will not tolerate under any circumstances.
We’re all flawed individuals coming into relationships with our own ‘areas of improvement’ and wounds that need healing. A good sign is when the person you’re dating is aware of their weak points and taking active steps to grow in this area. This goes both ways by the way - it’s important that you also reflect on, identify, and take action to work on yourself.
2. Choose a secure partner
This is an extension of point #1 but SO important. If you struggle with anxious attachment, it will make things much easier on you if you choose a partner who is on the secure side.
This might seem like common sense, but it’s natural for anxiously attached individuals to be drawn to more avoidant partners who struggle with emotional closeness and deep commitment.
Why is this? Anxious attachment often develops out of your early relationships with caregivers who weren’t able to meet your emotional needs consistently - they may have pulled away from you, dismissed you, or physically left you during times you really needed them. This leaves you preoccupied with your caregivers’ love, and on high alert for signs of rejection or abandonment.
Our minds prefer the familiar, and avoidant people mirror many of these behaviours of our caregivers - they hold you at a distance, make you feel ‘needy’ when you express your needs, or emotionally abandon you when you get too close. Despite this being harmful, it’s all you know, so you’ll be drawn to it again and again.
A subconscious part of you may also be trying to heal your inner child through pursuing these kinds of relationships and hoping for a different outcome. “If this person chooses me, it proves to me, and that younger me who yearned for my parent’s consistent love, that I’m worthy”. Of course this is a trap, because by choosing people who mimic the behaviour of your parents, you often recreate the exact same dynamics from your childhood and reinforce the fear that you’re not worthy of a steady, secure kind of love.
You can see how this isn’t helpful in the long-term, but it’s easy to get stuck repeating patterns from your childhood because they’re what you know. This is where the list comes in. It keeps you honest and aware. Some signs of secure attachment that you’ll want to add to your list of include:
Comfort expressing their thoughts and feelings
Ability to listen to your concerns and take accountability when they make mistakes rather than becoming immediately defensive
Willingness to have difficult conversations rather than avoid them
Comfort being emotionally close, as well as comfort being apart
A stable sense of self-worth
Following through on their commitments to you
These are the qualities that will make you feel safe and secure, and with time, can actually help heal your anxious attachment. You might notice that you’re not attracted to these qualities right away, that you don’t feel an immediate ‘spark’ with these people and even feel a bit… bored with the relationship. Again, this is because it’s unfamiliar. If you’ve always dated people who were ‘hot and cold’ and constantly kept you guessing how they felt about you, it’s going to feel very strange to be with someone who’s clear about their feelings for you and communicates consistently. But this is what you need to heal.
3. Practice expressing your needs
It’s common for anxious daters to hold back from expressing their wants and needs when dating out of fear of seeming like ‘too much’. It’s also common to avoid asking the tough questions, fearing that the answer is not what they’re hoping for and will leave them feeling rejected, again.
But this is the wrong way of going about dating because it wastes your time and gives a lot of your power away. Wouldn’t you rather know a month into dating that someone isn’t able to meet your needs instead of 6 months, or even 6 years down the road? With the right person (and a secure person), asking an intimate question or expressing what you want will not be enough to scare them away.
If expressing your needs is new to you and you really don’t know HOW to phrase things, try using the DEAR formula to guide you:
Describe factually the situation
‘You’ve cancelled our plans at the last minute a few times now’
Express your feelings
‘I understand that things come up, but I feel like my time isn’t valued when you cancel at the last minute. I also feel a bit insecure about your feelings for me when the effort to spend time together isn’t reciprocated’.
Assert your wants/needs
‘It would mean a lot if you could give more notice when you need to reschedule and make more efforts to follow through on plans’
Reinforce the positive impacts of your request
‘This would help me feel a lot more secure and allow me to plan my time better’
Try practicing this out loud while visualizing the person you’re seeing in front of you to build your confidence. If communicating this face-to-face just feels too hard at first, it’s also okay to express it over a text or call, and work your way up to in-person communication.
This way of communicating is going to feel VERY strange and probably scary at first, especially if you’re used to playing games, being passive aggressive, or sweeping everything that bothers you under the rug. This approach is direct and assertive, and requires a lot more vulnerability.
Is there the chance that the person you’re dating will react by pulling away, getting defensive, or calling you crazy? Sure. But is that the kind of person who you want to be in a long-term partnership with? Heck no. If they react very negatively to your direct communication, they’re probably not very secure, and won’t be a great match for you.
Remember there’s ALSO the chance that they respond by acknowledging your concerns and taking steps to meet your needs. A good indicator of a secure and supportive partner.
4. Take phone breaks
Cell phones have put massive expectations on us to be accessible at all times. Think of what it would’ve been like to date in your grandparents’ generation - they may have had conversations on their landline in between dates, but they certainly weren't in touch with one another constantly.
Today’s dating scene is far more complicated, with so many methods of communication, from texting, to dating apps, to Instagram DMs. The expectation that everyone should always be reachable and always respond right away can make the whole experience much more stressful and a lot less fun.
If you find that your anxiety kicks off when the person you’re seeing takes a little longer to respond, try putting your phone in a different room for a while or turning it on airplane mode if you can. Keeping your phone right in front of you at all times encourages constant checking and prevents you from living in the moment.
Spend this time away from your phone engaging in meaningful activity - this could look like focusing fully on your work, having a conversation with your roommate, or cooking up a nice meal. If you find your mind is still preoccupied with “did they text me back yet?” thoughts, try a short meditation, like Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break.
I want to emphasize that everyone has a different communication style, and while it’s unfair for another person to completely change their style to fit yours, you’ll likely want to find someone who can meet you in the middle. This might be where tip #3 comes in - it’s more than okay to express your desire for more regular, consistent communication, but be willing to compromise. Many anxious daters find it’s enough if their person gives them a heads up when they’ll be unreachable for a while, or gives them a quick call to check in once a day.
5. Keep up with your routines and relationships
If you tend towards anxiety in dating, it’s easy to become so preoccupied with the person you’re seeing that you drop everything else. Maybe you start going to the gym a lot less or stop reaching out to friends as often so you can spend much more time with your new interest.
It’s natural that your routines might change a bit as you make time and space for a new person in your life, but it’s so important that you don’t completely sacrifice the activities that you enjoy or abandon your friendships.
When you neglect other aspects of your life and make a romantic relationship your entire focus, it’s going to put a lot more pressure on that relationship. If you’re not engaging in the hobbies you love or nurturing your other relationships, you’ll start relying on the person you’re dating to meet all your needs, which is an impossible ask. It will also lead to you feeling far more anxious about their feelings towards you and more devastated if it doesn’t work out.
So keep up with your healthy habits, your hobbies, and your friendships. These will keep you feeling more stable through the ups and downs of dating, and will be there for you if your romantic relationship comes to an end. They also give you something meaningful to focus your energy on, instead of constantly overthinking the state of your relationship.
There’s no doubt about it that dating is hard, particularly for my anxious pals. But if you focus more on whether someone’s a match for you instead of whether they like you or not, keep up with the habits that make you happy, and remember to HAVE FUN, it can be so rewarding.
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